Changing my mind about "The Moment"

I heard a Nicki Minaj song today the hook on which made some reference to "the greatest moment in my life", or "the moment I've been waiting for" or something like that. I didn't like it, but it made me think. In the Aerosmith song "Amazing" the chorus goes "It's amazing/in the blink of an eye you finally see the light/yeah, it's amazing/when the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright."

Many of us hold a special fascination for "The Moment". The best example I can think of comes from the film The Pursuit of Happyness, a biopic about entrepreneur/ philanthropist Chris Gardner. In the movie's climactic scene, after months of the kind of adversity that would make most of us crumble, Chris sits at his desk, toiling away for the brokerage firm. His trainer calls him into the conference room. All of the bigwigs of his office are assembled. They inform him that he is the one trainee out of 30 that will be offered a permanent job with the company. He will now be able to provide for himself and his son. He'll no longer be homeless. In the next scene, Chris exits the building in slow motion, walking down the street, tears of joy flowing, clapping his hands, reveling in his changing fortune, his giant leap into his destiny. The violin strings swell, the heart strings tug. This is "The Moment".

It's easy to be enamored with the concept of "The Moment". It ties in with all we're taught about the American dream and and how we're all entitled to a mansion and a yacht. A big deal is often made when someone wins a huge lottery jackpot. It's covered on the news with a big press conference with a giant check. The winners all grin, answering questions about their plans. Often the plan involves quitting their job, buying a huge house, and, well, not much else. We the viewers vascillate between envy and vicarious thrill.

Recently our culture has more and more embraced ideals of avarice and comfort. "The Moment" helps sell these false ideals, and so it has become a lot more prominent in entertainment. American Idol is the most popular program on television. It sells "The Moment". A hometown boy or girl rises from nothing. We watch them, we vote on them. After months of competition and drama a new American Idol is crowned amid fireworks, confetti and the adulation of hundreds of millions of fans in an ratings bonanza.

Months later, the Idol's album comes out, and things change. The last few years have shown that TV success, that moment that is made such a big deal out of, does not necessarily translate into permanent success. Idol has had it's success stories of course, but at this point there are several more Lee Dewyze's than there are Carrie Underwoods. Some of you may be saying right now, "Lee Who?" My point exactly.

Many of those aforementioned lottery winners will attest to the same change in the weather. There are many stories about winners ending up back where they started financially not long after their lottery win, if not in worse circumstances than before. But this isn't really about the lottery or pop stars. It's about us.

I have realized it's not(or shouldn't be)about "The Moment". Moments end. Too many of us dream, think and pine for the moment that we get what we want, become who we are supposed to be, and the world is set right. But "The Moment", when it becomes the focus, becomes a brick wall. It may be gilded, adorned with a beautifully painted mural, with all the colors of your greatest fantasies. But a brick wall still represents an ending. How long can we stand there and look at it while the sun streaks across the sky and the grass grows around our feet. It may take awhile, but eventually the mural becomes boring and unremarkable, while we sit and revel in a moment that came and went.

After Chris Gardner's Moment, founded Gardner Rich LLC. He is a motivational speaker and philanthropist who among other things helps support the Cecil Williams Glide Community House in San Francisco, and has funded programs to provide low income housing. It wasn't just about "The Moment" for him. He considered life after the moment. He thought about what's next. There needs to be more of that.

We don't need to wait for the moment that changes everything. EVERY moment changes everything, or at least it can. It's important to use the small moments for big things; to learn, to pray, to plan, to share. Those lottery winner horror stories we've all heard show us that if we are unprepared for life after "The Moment", we can soon end up just as badly off. It's important to think about our goals as gateways to more goals. Appreciate and celebrate achievement, but remember: You are not done. There is always more to learn, more strength to gain, more people to help. Make sure your moment or moments aren't brick walls, but springboards. I know how important this is from personal experience. Looking at my own life I realized I often found myself relaxing after some small victory; some gig that I got or some other good news. It took me a long time to realize, resting on my laurels too long after the moment dishonors the blessing that came in that moment. The Moment isn't meant for the mantel. The Moment is meant for motion.

HMMM.....

I hardly know how I got here. It would not be accurate to say that everything is screwed up but I can fully recognize that this era is far from ideal and it makes me very afraid. I don't know if in the past I've bought into the "over the hump" concept so prevalent in music, but it scares me to consider it. No one wants to be the proverbial "old guy" that you read of in band listings....I don't understand; isn't this what I was meant to do? I remember clowning Wilson when he said to me "I'm supposed to be rich". I don't know from rich, but I think I understand how he feels a little better now.
It seems like everyone gets to be who they want to be with the exception of Us. There was an episode Friday night that served as another in a long list of very painful reminders of that. It feels like the world around me keeps on saying "not you. You are meant to try and fail again and again to suffer through the agony of watching dreams come true all around you while you kill yourself just trying to tread water. You will be surpassed by those you taught. You will be left behind by those who were once at your shoulder. Incidentally, those people never cared about you.
I don't want to believe these things. The empirical evidence however, grows more and more difficult to dispute with each new earnest effort that bears no fruit. With each new betrayal. With each passing day of no call back, or follow up e-mail or cancelled big thing.
It's not as if I don't try. I'm honestly doing everything I know how to do. I have made many mistakes. I know that, but none that others didn't deal with and get out from under. Why do mine seem to sink me so deep?
Many situations over the past several years have taught me a lesson in knowing to hear it when the people with whom you consider yourself a "we" are pointing at you and saying "you, you, you" That's a lesson I've been re-taught over and over. The unfortunate thing about hating to be alone is it's something you really can't control.
I look to God and I know he hears me. I know I am not forsaken. This still hurts. It makes me Curious about my limits. JMR found his and he's in florida now. What will happen when/if I reach mine?

Crimes of Compassion....

I'm at a disturbing place right now. A longtime friend and collaborator has finally done what's necessary to earn a permanent place on what my Aunt Erie refers to as "my fecal roster". It took quite awhile, which is mainly my fault. I often have these weird blinders when dealing with people. When someone does or says something unkind, unless it's really blatant, I seldom notice until late in the game. Often too late to save myself from the ramifications.
I've known dude for quite awhile, and we've been pretty cool. We've made a lot of music together. But recently he said something pretty un-supportive. The strange thing is I realized straight on that it was very insensitive behavior. I usually don't, but this particular time it really struck me. It also acted as something as a catalyst. What he said attached itself to every unkind thing this person had ever said or done in the past and I realized that there were quite a few. I realized that this behavior represented a pattern of behavior that I'd subconsciously worked very hard to ignore or explain away with extenuating circumstances or mitigating factors over several years. To my horror, I realized that there had even been points at which I had enabled this pathologically unkind attitude.
Now I recognize that no one has a mandated responsibility to be kind, or helpful, or supportive. But in the case of this person, what I realized is that he often played the role of a person who is kind, helpful, and supportive...until such time as it was necessary to show kindness, help or support! When a crisis came up it's never anything more than "oh sorry to hear that....guess what awesome thing just happened to me! What, you're too busy suffering to cheer my good fortune? Well then you suck!"
In times of relative peace, dude was simply really into himself. However, faced with the trials of others, his indifference was profound and acute. When you walk around playing the role of altruist, that's a messed up way to be. You're lying to the people in your life. Be who you are all the time, so I know you can't be turned to in a time of crisis! The effort you spend pretending is the same effort you'd spend helping someone in need anyway, If you're gonna be working anyway, you might as well work for good.
Ghandi once said "It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence. There is hope for a violent man to become non-violent. There is no such hope for the impotent." You could replace the word violent(ce) with selfish(ness) and replace the word impotent(ce) with indifferent(ce), and this quote would still be just as true.
So what do you do when you realize a friend is not a friend? Especially when there's music involved? That's what I need to figure out. I could have a conversation about it with him but it wouldn't be the first time and the indifference is a matter of public record. I'm interested to see how this plays out. The funny thing is dude probably won't even notice.

and we are baack! this is my first post in a minute...and it's been a busy few....upstart gigs, trying to remember not to put off love conspiracy gigs.....starting work on my beloved's demo. trying to take the next step when there are so many possible steps to make is a challenge. I have decided to start a new blog though; more on that in a later post....in the meantime, here's my challenge right now....after subbing for my drummer in my solo band, the drummer in my soul band wants to cover one of my originals...that's flattering, but I wouldn't be singing it.....hmmmm. I guess I should just concentrate on appreciating that my music is appreciated. that makes sense right? Yeah, that makes sense.

so, in my burgeoning solo career which began in earnest last year, I have received my first significant "No"...a relatively popular dinner club/venue responded to my submission for a spot on their calendar with the following:
Thank you for your submission, however at this time we are not interested in your music.

Not interested in your music?......Okay now I get that rejection is an unfortunate component of my chosen profession, but DAMN!!! I guess it's the turn of phrase; when you use the terminology "your music" you make it really personal. It becomes about me as a person. It's not a rejection of my act, or even my playing, but since it's music that I created, it's a rejection of me as a person. Not a good feeling. Now I have to figure out how not to let this bother me. How to not bug myself with a myriad of whys and how comes and what's wrong with me's....tough one. It's amazing, I've received so much positive feedback about my solo endeavors over the last several months, This one rejection should by no means offset that. By no means. Not even a little bit.....right....I'm sure I'll feel better after my next gig...people dig it...I just gotta concentrate on continuing to dig doing it. even in the face of rejection.

ZZZZZZZ

Days Like today drive me nuts! I could write, I could practice, I could go to the gym...what do I do? Sleep. No disrespect to sleep; it's a beautiful thing, but I should stop thinking of days like this as days off....I'm not at the bookstore, but I got goals, and Hey I even have something of a vision! My bandmates all seem really excited about this project and down to make it happen...thing is, me being "the guy" in this band means if it doesn's jump off, It's on me.....perhaps that's what kept me from doing this for so long....I was always looking for a team to be on, not something to take ownership of. Perhaps it's because that way I wouldn't have to worry about being the one who was ultimately accountable for success or failure. in all my other bands, I could always say "well hey, I did my part...it's not my fault it didn't work out. I can't say that here. Wish I'd have had the guts to do it this way before.

Hittin the Ground Runnin'

How do I begin to sum up the last few weeks? So far, 2010 has been going very well musically, both creatively and gig-wise, I feel like I'm on the right track.....I've had a few experiences in the last few days that have been so affirming and positive. Even a random miracle or two to remind me that I don't write the next chapter, I just have to be ready for it, and know that no matter what others say or do, the good guys are going to win!
First of all, there was the marathon gig Upstart played on New Years Eve. Mozambique, a cool dinner club down in Laguna Beach, has always been a fun gig, albeit not as much recently, what with all the new noise ordinances,. But it's always fun to do a new years eve gig and to have a full strength Upstart. See, a few months ago, Mozambique was the main focus of a city council meeting in Laguna Beach. It seemed the locals were frustrated by the loud noise of late night partiers. The answer to this in the minds of city officials was to cap the number of people allowed onstage at one time. So now to play Mozambique, you can only have five people onstage...so I guess Motley Crue can play as loud as they want to....anyway...so it was three sets of awesomeness and merriment, the last of which was from 11:15 to 1am. I broke a string, and by the end of the night my left shoulder was killing me, but it was still 360 degrees of awesome.
Next up, a gig that a friend of my Girlfriend asked me to play. Radio friendly pop R&B style stuff; the interesting part is that the other musicians were all students of the VERY prestigious Bob Cole Conservatory of music......perhaps everyone goes through a phase where they are certain that they know everyone they need to know, but I never imagined that there were places you could go where they encourage this phase.....seriously though, the other players were very good and I had a ball playing with them.
the other thing the beginning of the year has been consumed with was prepping for my solo gig. This'll be my first full band, me in the lead situation and I'm pretty optomistic so far. I've only had 2 rehearsals, but they both went really well. It's weird, because my drummer is the store manager at my day job! Anyway, as I've prepared for it, it's amazing how well all the pieces have fallen into place. In particular I'm making reference to the creative side of things. I often worry about getting in sync with my muse, but so far, all the creative energy and ideas have been there as soon as I've needed them. What's that Randy? you say you think this tune needs a bridge? There you go! Damn, I never finished writing lyrics for the reggae tune...I'll just make 'em up while I'm teaching the guys the tune....got 'em and there they are! On the one hand, I'm really thankful...on the other hand, I'm kicking myself because the main reason I put off doing a solo project was because I told myself I had to wait for the ideas to come....What was I doing waiting for the finish line to come to me?
And finally.....awhile back I quit my tenure with a metal-funk band I was playing with....my departure was considerably less than amicable, and the acrimony that surrounded my leaving was pretty severe. Lots of bitterness. There has been a recent development in the aftermath however. I had a citizen dick moment! A review of the last show I did with the band was released in Music Connection magazine this month and they had some really kind things to say about me and the other fellas in the rhythm section.....the dudes up front though? Not so much....here are a few choice quotes
".....Elliott 'bigpop' lawrence pummels out basslines aimed at the chest and eardrums"
"While Year of the Dragon Possess phenominal musical skills that hold the band together, the two frontmen bring a sense of chaos that some might not understand".

If you're interested in witnessing the carnage in it's entirety , you can read the article at http://musicconnection.com/digital/index.php?page=57 . After spending the last few months in that band feeling so unappreciated, it was nice to have my contribution recognized. It may be small minded and petty, but I took no small degree of satisfaction in that review.
So here I am, a little under 72 hours till the biggest gig BigPop has played as a solo artist thus far. I got the songs, the band, and hopefully the fans. I'm optomistic, I'm pumped, and I think I might even be ready!