HMMM.....

I hardly know how I got here. It would not be accurate to say that everything is screwed up but I can fully recognize that this era is far from ideal and it makes me very afraid. I don't know if in the past I've bought into the "over the hump" concept so prevalent in music, but it scares me to consider it. No one wants to be the proverbial "old guy" that you read of in band listings....I don't understand; isn't this what I was meant to do? I remember clowning Wilson when he said to me "I'm supposed to be rich". I don't know from rich, but I think I understand how he feels a little better now.
It seems like everyone gets to be who they want to be with the exception of Us. There was an episode Friday night that served as another in a long list of very painful reminders of that. It feels like the world around me keeps on saying "not you. You are meant to try and fail again and again to suffer through the agony of watching dreams come true all around you while you kill yourself just trying to tread water. You will be surpassed by those you taught. You will be left behind by those who were once at your shoulder. Incidentally, those people never cared about you.
I don't want to believe these things. The empirical evidence however, grows more and more difficult to dispute with each new earnest effort that bears no fruit. With each new betrayal. With each passing day of no call back, or follow up e-mail or cancelled big thing.
It's not as if I don't try. I'm honestly doing everything I know how to do. I have made many mistakes. I know that, but none that others didn't deal with and get out from under. Why do mine seem to sink me so deep?
Many situations over the past several years have taught me a lesson in knowing to hear it when the people with whom you consider yourself a "we" are pointing at you and saying "you, you, you" That's a lesson I've been re-taught over and over. The unfortunate thing about hating to be alone is it's something you really can't control.
I look to God and I know he hears me. I know I am not forsaken. This still hurts. It makes me Curious about my limits. JMR found his and he's in florida now. What will happen when/if I reach mine?